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again and again..

well.. here I am again. Why is it that whenever I am feeling sad and nostalgic I read livejournal? And POST in livejournal? How will this make it any better? all it does is make me think more about a past that I do not wish to relive, and a future that at the moment is so fucking stressful and confusing.

And why am I stressing out about a stupid party that I didn't get invited to but everyone else did? Its just sad I guess.. To think that things are okay with certain people and then realizing that those people who you thought were fine with you aren't at all. I never did anything to them. Yet Im just not invited. And seriously everyone else is. I shouldn't let this shit bother me. But I think it bothers me more that it bothers me at all. I do not care. I do not need any more friends or any of those people to like me, but the moment that they don't it totally hurts. And I hate that because I always thought I was stronger than that.

And so now I am listening to old music and having old thoughts and feeling a way that I haven't felt in many years. I feel small and stupid and totally... immature. Juvenile.
maybe I will use this thing again.

May. 24th, 2008

its really funny how people write about you on livejournal and think that you will never see it.

It really makes me laugh.
I remember when you cared.
I remember when love was everywhere.

its a possibility to live without this

and so I dont know what to write.
I have been single since december of last year.
And I guess three months isnt really a long time, but it is for me.
Three months with no one but myself, while my two best friends are in relationships.
I dont really know how to feel about the whole situation.  Yes Im sad. But Im also happy. Its a very confusing emotion. Mostly I'm just tired though. I dont really do much of anything anymore except sleep and eat and sit on the couch until I have to go to work.

Spring time is my favorite. I get excited for no reason at all. Yesterday I cleaned my bathroom and went out into the side garden and picked Daffodils. Then I put them in a vase and put them in my bathroom.
And today I cleaned my closet and went through all my clothes and came out with two big baskets of clothes I dont want anymore. And then I organized my dressers and all of my clothes and folded them and put them away.
And also yesterday I dyed my hair. Its red on top and black on the bottom.
I decided that its time for change in my life. Not an external change (except that the hair is external) but internal. I dont need all of these things that I hold on to, these old clothes and old pictures and little things that Ive collected over the years. All they do is weigh me down, hold me back. Once I let go, then I can move on and allow new things into my life.

talk about spring cleaning..

calculator calculates how long it takes

being sick on not only a friday night, but the begining of spring break is enough to put anyone in a bad mood.
I have a huge bruise on my knee from hitting it on something. It was one of those moments where I got up, hit it and it hurt really bad and everyone saw it and could tell it hurt, but I just kept walking. And now its green.

Today I came home from school early and laid in my bed and looked out of my window and watched the rain. The house was empty. It was quiet. I laid there for an hour and half not knowing if I was asleep or awake, but I felt neither.
But thats how its been lately. Just going through the motions of the day. Most of the time the weeks blend together, and my thoughts are all one and I cant remember if what happened last tuesday is really what is happening right now or if maybe I'm still dreaming. Those hours where I can just lay down and not do anything keep me calm.

spring break. I feel like the time in which my life was dramatic was a time that I felt more like a person. Because now, at a time in which my life is just dull and isnt much of anything, I feel like a blanket, or a toaster, or an alarm clock. Just items. Just things.

I feel like I'm dissapointing. My journal is so melancholy, I feel like I should atleast have variety in my entires now that I've gone and come back.
Maybe something will happen when I least expect it. Thats what I keep telling myself. Life happens when you make other plans. Right?

..ive looked at life that way..

how silly is it to find myself back here again. How everything is so different and yet I'm sitting at the computer, a drink to my left and my feet elevated on the desk, writing in my livejournal, like I have so many times before.
But thats how it works. Sometimes you need to go back to the begining in order to figure out the ending.

welcome back livejournal.

Aug. 31st, 2005

A time comes in youre life when you finally get it.....when in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks, and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH.

Enough fighting and crying or sturggling to hold on. And like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears, and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You realize that its time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter), and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you, and in the process a sense of serenity is born or acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are....and thats OK ( they are entitled to their own views and opinions.)

And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didnt do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really cound on is the unexpected. You learn that people dont always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you; and that its not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own, and to take care of yourself; and in the proces a sense of safety and security is born of self reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers...and you begin to accept people as they are, and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties; and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.

And you begin to sift through all that youve been bed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh; what you should wear and where you should shop, and what you should drive; how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living; who you should sleep with, who you should marry, and what you should expect of a marriage; the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and fedefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing; and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but mortar that hold together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you dont know everything; it's not your job to save the world...and that you cant teach a big to sing.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries, and learning to say NO. You learn that th eonly cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love, romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or feelings onto a relationship.

You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or more important because of the man on your arm of the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love...and you learn that you dont have the right to demand love on your terms just to make you happy.
And you learn that alone does not mean lonely.

And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10, and you stop trying to compete with the image inside you head and agonizing over how you "stack up". You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfect OK...and that it is your right to want things and ask for the things that you want...and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect; and you wont settle for less.

And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glority you with his/her touch...and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple, and you begin to care for it and treat it with respect.
You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exersize.
You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest.
And just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our souls. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve...and that much of life trutly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and preserverance.
You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that its OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great bobber baron of all time. FEAR itself. You learn to stop right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give in to fear is to giveaway the right to live life on your terms.

And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isnt always fair, and you dont always get what you think you deserve; and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that god isnt punishing you or failing to answer your prayers.

It's just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state- the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you, and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and never, ever settle for less that your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally with courage in your heart and got by your side, you take a stand; you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

- Author unknown.

loves loves

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Live journal is now friends only. Everyone already on my friends list is still added, but if youre not, just comment to be added.
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we can see through the rest

I spent the day with my mother. We went downtown and she bought me real berkenstocks, and then buffalo and then 5th street for lunch. After lunch we went house shopping, cause we're moving. We found the CUTEST house on Charnelton, its perfect and I mean perfect. We looked it up online and looked at pictures of the inside and its really adorable. My dad thinks its too much money but we're trying to sell our house for alot because of all the work we've done on it so hopefully we can buy this new one. I'm so excited. Garrett moved out today. Now its just us three and the 8 animals lol.

Then we went to target and bought some back to school stuff. And she let me buy push pops and golden grams lol now that I'm the only kid in the house my mom says we can get whatever kind of food I want.

I think I'm getting sick. I dont feel good at all.

ugh.

and today I found a website that has a whole bunch of really really good bands and I decided that once I get paid again I'm going to buy nothing but music. All summer Ive spend my money on clothes and a camera and I think its time for some good records.